there was a time when men were kind
when their voices were soft
and their words inviting
there was a time when love was blind
and the world was a song
and the song was exciting
there was a time
then it all went wrong

i dreamed a dream in time gone by
when hope was high
and life worth living
i dreamed that love would never die
i dreamed that God would be forgiving
and dreams were made and used and wasted
there was no ransom to be paid
no song unsung, no wine untasted

but the tigers came at night
with their voices soft as thunder
as they tear your hope apart
and they turn your dream to shame

i find myself having to manage them all the time.

at work, when i simply cannot deal with it. when everyone wants a piece of me and i cannot finish my work even after many three-hour nights. when everyone’s breathing down my neck, and i literally cannot breathe.

in love, when i actually start to expect something and am disappointed. when i actually start to think that it could be something, and realise that maybe, it’s just all in my head.

if you don’t create expectations, you don’t disappoint.

if you don’t expect, everthing else will be a bonus.

you know how, sometimes, you just feel like you need someone to complete you.

but i think i’ve been alone and gotten used to it for so long, so today, on my way home, i felt that even if you told me that you love me, it wouldn’t make a difference.

you would, even having the benefit of having my trust, have to make a difference.

sometimes, life works in funny ways.

eight years after knowing someone, thinking about it, talking about it, pushing it away, running away from it, being afraid of it… you find that something happens to bringing that relationship across that border of just being friends. i’m glad to say that it was surprisingly comfortable, and felt strangely familiar, given that it’s been about two years since we’ve drifted apart.

perhaps, we weren’t always just friends.  there were many things i didn’t keep in my memory, but when i read old diaries i used to write, they spoke of moments which i now remember.

no one has any idea where this will go, or if it’ll even go anywhere. i don’t think it’s love – i realised that when i tried to pick a category to put this post in, and i contemplated “love”, but picked “men” instead. i’m not sure myself what it is.

i suppose, there’s nothing much i can do but wait and see where this brings me.

lately, there’s been much potential for change.

for a lifestyle that has been a straight line, occasionally dipping lower, for the longest time, i feel like i really need a change – in everything.

i probably will be moving – actually feel quite sad that i won’t live here anymore. i lived in this house since i was 14, not since i was born, but i feel like i’ve lived my entire life here.

i’m also making plans for changes in career – no, i’m not going to leave the industry and have a cafe or bakery or something exciting like that, just possibly shifting teams for a better environment.

the potential for change makes me wonder again, what lies ahead. it makes me feel like i can leave everything behind, and start afresh. hopefully, all this heralds more good things to come.

After the movie, and a few rounds of drinks with the girls and talking about what I’ve been avoiding as a topic for over a year…

I feel like I can go to bed without a single worry or regret tonight.

Sometimes I do so well, as I have been lately.

Some days, the darkness returns, and I try to pull myself out of it.

But sometimes, I really get so tired of trying.

Work more.

Think less.

So i’ll be waiting for the real thing
i’ll know it by the feeling
the moment when we’re meeting will play out like a scene
straight off the silver screen

so i’ll be holding my own breath right up ’til the end
until that moment when i find the one that i’ll spend forever with

It turned out being easier than I thought it would be.

I started the day wishing that I could sleep through wednesday, and wake up on thursday.

Two pints of Haagen-Dazs, lots of laughter and a 30-minute phonecall later, I felt like myself again :)

I thought it was an irony, that Annie sang “Tomorrow” anticipating the next day, while I dreaded it. It was only today I remembered that Annie was an optimistic character.

Maybe in times like these, it isn’t so bad to put those rose-tinted glasses back on.