maybe some things do happen when you least expect it.

maybe this time, i’m too cautious?

but maybe… it will be different this time?

Five more days of 2010.

Five more days I will allow indulgence of these thoughts.

Five days later, this will all be over.

After almost a whole year of silence, cryptic posts and private posts I had no courage to let the world read, it seems as if I’ve awoken from a long, deep sleep.

I can’t believe how quickly the year has gone by, yet it seems like a long time because so many things have happened. I made changes at work, I made new friends, I met people who inspired me, I met people whom I fell in love with, I got re-acquainted with people from the past. I saw some of my best friends move on to another phase of their lives – one got engaged, one got married and one gave birth to a baby girl. I saw two close friends lose family members close to themselves. I attended many weddings, cringed at some and cried at some. I attended a memorial and as I always do, wondered why.

And yet, what have I taken back from all of this? Life is, indeed, unpredictable. Love, particularly, is nothing I imagined it to be. There is one whom my rational mind tells me to let go of, and I do most of the time, until we hang out, and my heart breaks every time. There is one who is probably years too late, I question myself  as to why there cannot be acceptance on my part, and I cannot seem to find an answer myself. There is one who seem to live a life parallel to mine, albeit thousands of miles away, who have by some strange twist of events, stumbled into mine. I have in fact, after all these years, become detached – I don’t really feel anything anymore, I don’t really ask why anymore, because I never get any answers.

But recently, I find that I may have come one full circle and actually believe in the wonders of how the world works in its mysterious ways – do we call it serendipity? fate? Whichever it is, maybe it’s enough to know that there are still possibilities, that this isn’t just it.

So here I am, on the brink of yet another year, and possibly, more than one new beginning. You think that maybe I can have more faith this time?

月亮绕地球 地球绕着太阳走
我以为世界是座宁静的宇宙
今晚的天空有一颗流星划过
在预言着什麽

what does it all mean?

柴米油盐酱醋茶

life – should be that simple.

一点一滴都是幸福在发芽

love – shouldn’t be so complicated.

没有一个理由
活的那么复杂
有了你什么都不差

i will never be able to admit to myself how right it feels.

you asked me what was making me feel down tonight.

but i couldn’t tell you.

because maybe, you are what i can never have.

listening to her in the middle of the afternoon, looking out of the window at the beautiful day out there, almost made me feel like some part of those two weeks were… real.

it’s just one of those days when it seems a bit more meaningless than usual.

who am i, really? do i make a difference? would anyone notice if i were gone? suddenly it seems, i am no one.

as these thoughts ran through my mind, i felt more and more afraid. i felt like i’m drifting, and i need someone, something to keep me rooted.

i haven’t felt so lost and so alone in a long, long time.

maybe it was a sign – as i was saying it to her, maybe i was trying to convince myself of the fact too – that i never felt anything.

but then, as i was telling him that i will be here, if it helps, i decided it is time.

it is time to close this chapter.

i discovered that i really like having breakfast.

breakfast, anywhere, it could be spruce, porridge at Tiong Bahru, ba chor mee at Bedok. Coffee, black, and my companion would have milo or chinese tea. leisure, we just sat and read the papers.

why else would i find something so simple, so enjoyable?