maybe this time, i’m too cautious?

but maybe… it will be different this time?

Five more days I will allow indulgence of these thoughts.

Five days later, this will all be over.

I can’t believe how quickly the year has gone by, yet it seems like a long time because so many things have happened. I made changes at work, I made new friends, I met people who inspired me, I met people whom I fell in love with, I got re-acquainted with people from the past. I saw some of my best friends move on to another phase of their lives – one got engaged, one got married and one gave birth to a baby girl. I saw two close friends lose family members close to themselves. I attended many weddings, cringed at some and cried at some. I attended a memorial and as I always do, wondered why.

And yet, what have I taken back from all of this? Life is, indeed, unpredictable. Love, particularly, is nothing I imagined it to be. There is one whom my rational mind tells me to let go of, and I do most of the time, until we hang out, and my heart breaks every time. There is one who is probably years too late, I question myself  as to why there cannot be acceptance on my part, and I cannot seem to find an answer myself. There is one who seem to live a life parallel to mine, albeit thousands of miles away, who have by some strange twist of events, stumbled into mine. I have in fact, after all these years, become detached – I don’t really feel anything anymore, I don’t really ask why anymore, because I never get any answers.

But recently, I find that I may have come one full circle and actually believe in the wonders of how the world works in its mysterious ways – do we call it serendipity? fate? Whichever it is, maybe it’s enough to know that there are still possibilities, that this isn’t just it.

So here I am, on the brink of yet another year, and possibly, more than one new beginning. You think that maybe I can have more faith this time?

what does it all mean?

life – should be that simple.

一点一滴都是幸福在发芽

love – shouldn’t be so complicated.

没有一个理由
活的那么复杂
有了你什么都不差

i will never be able to admit to myself how right it feels.

but i couldn’t tell you.

because maybe, you are what i can never have.

who am i, really? do i make a difference? would anyone notice if i were gone? suddenly it seems, i am no one.

as these thoughts ran through my mind, i felt more and more afraid. i felt like i’m drifting, and i need someone, something to keep me rooted.

i haven’t felt so lost and so alone in a long, long time.

but then, as i was telling him that i will be here, if it helps, i decided it is time.

it is time to close this chapter.

breakfast, anywhere, it could be spruce, porridge at Tiong Bahru, ba chor mee at Bedok. Coffee, black, and my companion would have milo or chinese tea. leisure, we just sat and read the papers.

why else would i find something so simple, so enjoyable?